nervous obsesssion

I have been trying to stop biting my nails for around 35 years.

It is a daily struggle that usually ends with me promising myself, tormented by feelings of guilt as a result of excessive biting, chewing and gnawing: "This is the last time, you just have to go a few days without biting, then the wounds will heal and the problem will be solved!" Instead of putting this respectable resolution into action, less than 15 minutes later I find myself repeating the same process, lost in thought. Instead of healing and relief, the appearance and condition of my nails worsens, which is evident from small open wounds. This cycle of shame and pain has been with me for 35 years now.

I cannot say exactly where my compulsion comes from. Increasing pressure, psychological unrest and being overwhelmed by everyday life are among the feelings that I try to cope with by biting my nails. In public, I hide my nails as best I can. That's why I feel most comfortable under the cover of night or in techno clubs that are at least as dark. Since my hands can't be seen so well then and I simply can't sit still when good music is playing, I eventually forget about my unkempt hands. At the center of one of my oldest childhood memories is my mother pointing at a woman nearby and saying: "Look how she's hiding her hands. Such a beautiful woman and yet she should be ashamed!" If you don't stop doing it, you'll end up like her!" Of course, my mother acted to the best of her knowledge and belief. However, she achieved the exact opposite, because her prophecy became deeply anchored in my consciousness and thus generated a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy over the years.

Despite this, or perhaps precisely because of this, I want to continue to try to finally leave this habit behind me. Even at this very moment, I have decided that I will stop doing it today, and maybe this time I will finally manage to put an end to this annoying topic. By gathering all my courage, I am showing my nails to the general public for the first time in this series of pictures. I want to send a signal for the absolute need to remove the taboo surrounding mental disorders.

 

October 2021